Friday 28 August 2009

The Hypothetical Funeral Of Sean Rodrieguez

The Outline for The Hypothetical Funeral of Sean Jose Jesus Rodrieguez


Place: Right Here.
Time: Right Now.


Opening Sermon 

The Artist Formerly Known as The Pope Himself:
Hello and welcome to the SuperAwesome Funeral of Sean Jose Jesus Rodrieguez presented by www.seanrodrieguez.blogspot.com. You may be seated.

Sean was taken from us all too soon. Taken the way he truly would have wanted to be taken, by offering Superman, Spiderman, Al Pacino, Zach and Slater from Saved By The Bell to a contest of “Let’s See Who’s More Awesome By Doing Stupid Things”. So sad it was that when Sean drunkenly tried to stop a speeding 18 wheeler truck using only his erection he perished.

*pause for weeping, sobbing, cries of “WHY?! WHY?!!” and “HE WAS SO 
AWESOME!” to subside.

Sean did indeed die much the way he lived, with his genitals being violently thrust into something.

Please rise for the first hymn…

 (After the frantic sobbing and beating of the floor has began to subside, the Pope Himself continues with his eulogy)

In Sean’s death we all learnt a valuable lesson. That even the most attractive of us, the most intelligent, the most beautiful, the most alluring, the most sexually elusive, the most…

(Here the Archbishop cattle prods the Pope back into sense)

We learnt! However! That however magnificently hung a man is, he cannot stop a speeding truck using his own erection, however sturdy and well travelled it may be. Sean lived what the bible would have called Sin. However it is the churches decision that we now rewrite the entire scripture to have Sean co-star as the rival of Jesus Christ our lord and saviour. I feel it is only fitting that a man so godlike in stature be preserved for future generations in this way.  

I now present, as a sneak preview to be released by Universal Studios in film form starring Brad Pitt as Sean Rodrieguez, part of the newly written scripture:

“And Yea, the Lord did say to his Son Jesus of Nazereth, you shall accept that Sean Rodrieguez is your superior. To which Jesus did appear bemused and was heard to comment “But he’s just a rich pretty boy father!” and so the Lord did respondeth “How very dare you my Son, truly this man in his very essence was the salt of the earth and the water of the oceans.” The disciples here gathered close around Jesus in his hour of need.

“Futhermore” the Lord continued “Surely such a man who hath fought lion’s with his bare hands and hath fought bears with his lion’s heart must be recognized as the reason for creation, lest we forget he was truly perfection in man’s form”

“Fuck” Cursed Jesus as he stubbed out his Marlboro under his sandaled foot. Jesus has struggled long and hard for his father’s attention only to have it stolen from under his very nose by this pretty, rich, well hung, talented author of bestsellers. All he wanted was attention, all he wanted to be loved and that whole cry for attention with the cross had gotten him nothing more than a few embarrassing scars and the laughter of a million Romans. “Sean didn’t need to do any of that” Jesus thought angrily “All he did was attend an orgy and please all the females in the room whilst arguing the newest military campaign with the counsel” 

So it was that Jesus did respondeth “BUT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD”

and the lord did comment “But nothing Jesus, now go, I want to talk to Sean.”


Yea, so did Jesus storm off to his room and slam the door.

“Why is Sean so great anyway?” Jesus wrote in his journal “All he does is have sex with the most attractive women of the land. I HATE SEAN RODRIEGUEZ” thereupon Jesus did throw himself upon his bed and listen to Rage Against The Machine, longing for the day he too would be appreciated by his father.

Meanwhile, in a different part of Jerusalem…

Sean Rodrieguez stepped forward into the pool of light cast from the heavens and knelt before his lord and adoptive father. From nowhere “Get Down Saturday Night” by Oliver Cheatham was heard to blast from the clouds and Sean did verily get down and get funky with it, so much so that the disciples joined in and the dance sequence that followed was glorious, much sand was kicked with spin moves and many maidens were allured to Sean, whom merely winked at them and explained that he was already busy betting busy with THE FUNK.

“Sean I have an important mission for you my son” quoth the Lord.

Sean however was too busy doing such slick dance moves that the great, great, great, great, great, great, great ,great grandfather of James Brown was heard to declare “WHOOOOOOOAaaaaaAAAAAAAA” 

From a distance, in his dark room Jesus did hear the merriment of this occasion and had had enough. He stormed out of his room, he’d show up that Sean Rodrieguez, with the dance routine he had practiced in his bedroom mirror to “Digital Love” by Daft Punk. Indeed twas well known through the land that few did the Robot like Jesus did the Robot. Jesus decided that truly now and forevermore he would prove to his dad that he was better than this alluring pretty author who had captivated the civilized world with his incredible wit.

Jesus did reach for the door and did storm out of the Lord’s House. “I’m going to do the best damn Robot, they ever did see” Thought Jesus “Then they’ll see, oh yes, then they shall see.”

Meanwhile Sean was just breaking out one of his many dance moves whereby a large lion, a large bear and a large elephant joined him in his dance. Some say that no man could teach a Lion, Bear and Elephant how to dance in perfect timing to a disco song that wouldn’t be written for some 2000 years, but surely it was seen that day that Sean Rodrieguez could. So the crowd grew larger and larger, watching this man dance like few have ever danced. 

Elsewhere, Jesus stormed toward the sounds of merriment on the horizon. Suddenly a group of ninjas and Romans (the most deadly of all warrior combinations) swarmed him.

“Stop King of The Jews!” they yelled.

Jesus was a man on edge and so it was he did respond “Fuck Off! I’m not in the fucking mood!”

But the Ninja Romans would not be discouraged and they lunged at Jesus. Jesus jumped high into the air and with a mighty kick impaled three attacking Romans like meat on a kebab skewer. Three more ninjas charged him and Jesus let loose a mighty right handed punch that knocked all three out in immediate succession. 


And that’s when Jesus got mad.

With a primal scream Jesus began laying waste to warriors right and left with his bare hands, tearing out spines and spleens like a fat man fisting an even fatter girl only to pull out her vital organs. After the first 50 had been slain Jesus let loose a mighty roar.

A roar that carried all the way to where Sean, his Lion, his Bear and his Elephant were still dancing only now to “You See The Trouble With Me” by Barry White so well that even the lord had begun to weep and so a terrible rainstorm befell the land. This only served to soak Sean’s robes so much so that his stunning body was shown through the white of the material. But suddenly, Sean heard Jesus’ roar and threw his long haired head in it’s direction, rain water splaying off his glorious bonce. The music suddenly died (just as it was getting to the good part) and every head in the crowd of over 200,000 watching Sean now looked to where the roar had came. Sean instantly knew that Jesus was being attacked by Roman Ninja’s and that truly only he and his band of loyal animals could now be the group for the mission.

“Sean!” Bellowed our Lord. “Save my Son!”

Sean looked at the kicked about sand he had been dancing on and lit a cigarette, exhaling the first drag into the rainy desert air.

“I’ll try” Said the mighty Rodrieguez in his throaty growl of a voice, the sound of which caused all female virgins in the surrounded expanse of a crowd lose their hymen’s and experience their first orgasm simultaneously.

Will Sean Save Jesus from the Ninja Romans??
Will Jesus earn the respect of his father??
How much more unbelievable can this story get??

Tune in next time for the final instalment of “JESUS: The Sean Rodrieguez Story”

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