So the lights are dimmed, the fires roaring, the eyes are flickering and the souls are yearning. Alls that’s missing is the sensual music. In a recent scientific study, it was discovered that the right choice of song whilst you get jiggy with it can actually add an inch to your penis. So in the spirit of giving I’ve cut out the middle man for you in this so the next time you’re in that sweet loving making situation you can just recall this article and give the roof a thumbs up as you put these songs on, knowing that somewhere, somehow I am watching and smiling. So without further to do (because the foreplay top 10 is a whole different list) here is “The Top 10 Songs To Make Sweet, Passionate Love To…”
10. In The Summertime by Mungo Jerry
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=B_E8OpX2At4&feature=related)
You lay down on a large waterbed and kiss long and hard. Staring deep into your lover’s eye’s you realize this is the person you love most in the world. You’re experiencing one of life’s most beautiful emotions. “I love you” you mouth silently because you both know what you said without words…Then this song kicks in. The love making begins…and it is fucking SWEET.
9. Wait and Bleed by Slipknot
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=655IrsbEfls)
The perfect song to show your lover that they’re still beautiful and sexy even though they’re on their period. Then she beat’s you to a bloody pulp with the bedside table and goes to eat chocolate and hug her hot water bottle whilst watching Prison Break and thinking that Wentworth Miller would never try pulling that shit.
8. Blind by Korn
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2-I7JgTtX3M)
A personal favourite, perfectly summarizing what the girl must be to be in a sweet, passionate situation with me.
7. Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1BNWmnHPFvE&feature=related)
Gained bonus points for the chorus having a very orgasmic noise you and your lover can sing along to during.
You stumble into the bedroom kissing frantically, the candlelit dinner still glowing atmospherically in the background. You pick her up and put her down on the bed and she say’s “I’m just going to slip into something more comfortable” and goes into the en suite bathroom as you light aromatic candles around the bed and loosen the tie on your suit. She opens the door and she looks like an angel has been carved out of perfect just for you…Then this song kicks in. The love making begins…and it is HOO-HAH!
6. She Fuckin’ Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd.
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=97Vzw366UwM)
The perfect song for make up sex. Because just because you said sorry DOES NOT mean she’s forgiven you.
5. Lithium by Nirvana.
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=sUUHNf0S5cA)
The champagne bottle lays empty at the foot of the bed. A fire roars across the room. The lights are dim. The oysters lay eaten next to the tube of aromatic massage oil. She leans in close to hold you, she loves you more than anybo…I LIKE YOU I’M NOT GONNA CRY! I LOVE YOU I’M NOT GONNA CRY!!!
4. You Can’t Hurry Love by Phil Collins (cover)
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=K3TesujRfpY)
Pretty much the best argument for suffering from erectile dysfunction I’ve ever heard.
(gained bonus points for the fact you’ll probably not care about the erectile dysfunction and have a little bit of a dance on the bed with her instead, which with me is probably a more enjoyable pastime to be fair.)
3. Time To Pretend by MGMT
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=XVnRzEjpUmE)
Because gent’s you never fucking know when she might be.
2. The A Team Theme (remix) by DJ Yoda.
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RZuMhp3qhyY)
You slowly slide off her silk negligee and SCRATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THE DECKS CAUSE YOU LOVE HER.
1.Do A Little Dance (Make A Little Love) by KC and The Sunshine Band.
(http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0OxJUzzlvKE)
Women love a literal man at least so my “Idiot’s guide to seduction” tells me and what could be more literal than a song that actually explains what you are, in fact, going to do with her tonight. Which does include but is not limited to: doing a little dance, making a little love and getting down tonight.
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Just remember the next time you’re rocking the kasbah that it was probably 95% down to the choice of music I just gave you. With the above list I guarantee you’ll be locking that pussy up like you’re the RSPCA. You can thank me later…
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