Appearance.
Perhaps the most important part of that all important first date is the way you look. Scientists claim that 100% of the way we see people is with our eyes, so it's your job to be pleasing to the eye with a carefully selected outfit. You should read the situation carefully when picking out your wardrobe. A cowboy hat for example is likely not suitable headwear for a classy restaurant, nor is that witty T-Shirt you own that say's "Ask Me About My Penis..." on it.
You want to appear casual and at ease. The first date is all about first impressions. First impressions are important with women because they have the attention spans of particularly vacant moths. You need to say things with your outfit and not things like "Nice Tit's" or "I want to ride you like a pony". You need to say "Here I am, this is me. Don't just look at me, LOVE me" or alternatively "I am a calm, casual and at ease modern man who respects your place in the world as a modern woman with choices. I'm not trying to force you to like me, merely hoping that you will." The final alternative is for your outfit to say "Look that way whilst I get the cap off this Rohypnol bottle..." But that's another article.
Whilst appearing casual you also want to look smart and fashionable. As a dating conneisseu...coinnessue...expert I've provided a few examples:
Here I'm standing aloof. My top button is undone, one hand in the pocket, the other holding my hat. I'm just practically saying "No, why don't you pick the wine? I'm sure you've got incredible taste" or "Shall we share a Starter?". I look like a classy guy but still a guy who knows what he want's and how to get it. Women love a guy who doesn't give a shit as it sort of balances out the fact that they give too much of one. In this outfit I don't care about anything, the wine she orders, the starters we share, that gigantic mole on her chin, the eyepatch she's wearing or that stench of rotting fish eminating from the sweat patches on her dress. I'm a cool, casual guy and tonight I might just stay at her place. If I can be bothered and the walk isn't that far.
Now this outfit works on a whole other level. It say's that I'm a fun loving guy who isn't afraid to buck the trends and do my own thing. The outfit's colour is a little gaudy but I can totally pull it off because I'm exuding a sense of humor whilst maintaining an element of style and class in my clothing choice. In this outfit I'm the kinda guy that when I walk into the restaurant with her and the Maitre d' asks if I have a reservation I'd reply "Only in her vagina! GET IT?! VAGINA?! AHAHAHA" then I'd flick my lips with my index finger and go "Brpbrpbrpbrp", laugh casually and say "No seriously, table for two under Rodrieguez my good man, thank you."
From that point on she'd know, not think, she'd KNOW that I was a little different from the other guys she's been out with and that sense of individuality can be all you need for a successful date. Failing that I'd bring a large bag of party poppers and everytime she spoke to me set one off at her face. Physical humour you see. Women love a funny guy. Write that down.
What Not To Wear:
This is giving her too much. You don't want to ruin that electric suspense a first date holds where she watches you clumsily cut your pizza into slices whilst you unwittingly have your tie in your drink and wonders "Just HOW big is his penis?" You should never appear naked to a first date. The second date is a judgement call and if she isn't stripping you naked by the third after you implement the advice in this guide she's a filthy fucking cocktease who doesn't deserve you at all. Even with something stylish covering your manhood (as pictured) it's a complete No-No on a first date and should be avoided as much as saying "Well by the smell of her she's already had the fish..." when the waiter ask's if you're ready to order your main course.
Getting Ready For The Date. Before you do ANYTHING else play this song:
Whilst completely naked, moonwalk around your apartment/bedroom/YMCA Hostel/Cardboard Box. This will help you build confidence, particularly with the above song playing. Shower carefully, then lightly oil your entire body and allow yourself to airdry. Use the remainder of the baby oil to slick back your hair and then shave off all your facial hair except the moustache, which should be left thick and bushy. Women love this style. Do not wear underwear, real men do not wear underwear and this will provide you with a sense of confidence that she will definately sense. DO be sure to make sure your unibrow is neatly trimmed. Then get a small amount of hair gel and apply it thoroughly to your nose hair. Now dress and look at yourself in a full length mirror and exclaim out loud "I AM THE MAN, I AM THE MAN, I AM THE MAN". After a one last, quick, final toke on your crack pipe you'll be ready to hit the door and go begin the rest of your romantic life.
The Date.
Always meet your date at the restaurant on the first date. This shows that you appreciate her independence and ability to walk somewhere. Hire your friends to chase her there in ski mask's with machete's if possible as this shows you respect her power and bravery as a modern woman and also provides an interesting ice breaker when she arrives at the restaurant. Always, always be there early as it shows a sense of willing and there is not a woman alive who doesn't get a little wet in the pants by good timekeeping, thus the recent summer hit "Wearing My Rolex". When she arrives, whether chased by your machete wielding friends or not, be sure to greet her in a friendly and not overly romantic way. Grabbing her wrists and kissing them each in turn is a good start or failing that an enthuastic "DUDE!" and a hard high five will suffice.
Always have a drink before the meal and never have said drink at the table but in the lounge of the restaurant. Always pay for the drinks and completely refuse any offer of hers to pay with the reassurance that "whilst a woman with her own money is so cute" you insist that it's your treat. Drink two drinks in the time it takes for her to drink hers, down them as fast as possible and when you finish each one slam them down on the table and shout "SAME AGAIN MATE" at the bartender. He'll know what you mean. They all do.
After the drinks comes the big part of the dinner, the meal. Mull over the menu. Ask her what looks good to her and pretend like you give a flying fuck then order the steak. ALWAYS order the steak, order the steak blue because that's what a real man eats. Don't wait for the waiter to come to you, show your authority and sense of how to get by in the modern world by clicking your fingers and saying "Garcon!" in a sharp tone. This is French for waiter and will make you look cultured and bi-lingual. Now is the part of the date where I can't necessarily help you, but I can help. I don't know what she will say at dinner. I've probably not dated her, I mean there's a huge likelihood but I don't want to run that risk. So here are a few examples of what she may say and how to respond:
She starts to talk about her career/study subject/interests.
Don't look bored. Don't stare at her breast's. Dont' stare at her. Don't look at her at all in fact, stare at the table or better still turn your chair completely around from her and when she ask's what you're doing reply in a sharp tone "Appearing casual you dumb bitch." Allow her to talk for a while whatever you do and remember at least one sentence so you can quote it later and seem like you're paying attention. Let her finish and then smile at her and give her a compliment like "Your eyes are so pretty you almost don't notice the flab on the back of your arms" or "Nice Tits." Reciprocate the discussion by talking by yourself at great length for the next 30 minutes at least. Everytime she tries to interject or add to what you are saying shush her and say "Quiet, this is MAN talk". This will exude masculinity. Women love a masculine man. Trust me.
She encourages you to talk about yourself/what you do/what you study.
Look around nervously and say "I'm not at liberty to divulge that information at this time" then whisper into your collar "The rabbit has left the hutch" like you have a hidden microphone there. Then pretend like this never happened at all and divert the conversation to the weather.
She starts to talk about her interests and they aren't the same as yours.
Spend at least 20 minutes decrying everything she believes in. If she isn't crying by the end you haven't made enough of an impression on her and have failed. But then at the end say "But hey thats cool, you like your own stuff, that's cool" in a reassuring way.
She encourages to talk about your interests. They will always be the same as hers.
Talk relentlessly about the most male orientated interests you can think of. Powertools, Guns, Lumberjacks, Cars, Mechanics, Groundwork, Football, The Offside Rule, Strip Clubs, Prostitutes, Penises, Testicles. If she looks bored for a second, get offended as all hell, overturn the table and leave. You deserve better than her.
She talks about her ex-boyfriend.
Then he is somewhere in the restaurant waiting to kill you in a jealous rage...and she'll let him, oh yes, she'll let him. The second she brings up the ex, commando roll out from your chair and take her as a human shield with your table knife screaming at him to show himself. You do not want this to be brought up, it's a real night ender for all involved.
She ask's about your ex-girlfriend.
Then she is, in fact, your ex girlfriend in disguise. Stand up and bellow "THIS CLUMSY MASK DOESN'T FOOL ME" and pull frantically at her face. Do so until the police arrive and as they drag you off scream "I STILL KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE BITCH" This show's you had a fun time despite things not going to plan and you'd love to do it again sometime.
She ask's how your meal is.
Look at her like she tried to shit on your lap and say "None of your business!"
She comments on how nice her meal is.
Roll your eyes, sigh and remark "It's always about fucking you isn't it?"
She remarks if you would like dessert then she'll happily join.
Look absolutely appalled and comment that if she pays for the fucking meal then she's more than welcome to a dessert, otherwise she can piss off.
----
You may not need any of the above, which is where you spontaneity will come into play. Just remember that there is no more spontaneous reply to anything anyone can say than an open palmed slap to the face. Of course you could always try chewing with your mouth closed, listening to what she says and holding a comfortable, intelligent and amusing conversation with her, but that nearly never works.
The End Of The Date.
As you walk out into the cold evening. Always hold her hand. It shows affection, especially when you use this leverage to do a ballet like spin move. Women love a funny man. Trust me. Don't overthink the kiss, get it out of the way early and quickly so it's not such a worry. Snap it on her anytime, halfway through a sentence is usually good and don't push for the tongue action unless she does. Whatever you do, ensure that after that first kiss you look her deep in the eyes, smile just a little bit and remark in your coolest voice "Fuckin' Score!". This shows her that you're happy with the date and with her.
After The First Date.
"It's all upto you now Son"...That's something my Dad once said to me back in my native Mexico as he lay wounded leaving me to save my town from the vicious attacking bandido's with only my guitar, my maracas and my dance moves. I won and that's why I'm here today giving out advice as valuable as the above. Using this guide you cannot fail on your first date. It's an impossibility. It's idiotproof. It's Super Awesome.
You can thank me later.
So this is how your scared off Lara Ellis??
ReplyDelete