Synopsis (that's a summary for those of you not in "The 'Biz"):
Hollyendersdale is a small rural village in the middle of London’s vibrant east end, inhabited entirely by country bumpkins, psychotic murderers, annoying child actor’s, gorgeous but irritating females, handsome, idiotic, violent men and Barbara Windsor (pictured above, also in picture: Nice Breasts)
There is a devious plot to my script, we simply follow the characters around as they fuck each other, kill each other, impregnate each other, do their washing up with each other and somehow commit adultery whilst doing all of the above.
In the pilot episode we follow Shishana who is trying to seduce Ben without Steve knowing despite the fact Steve's best friend Rupert is hiding behind the settee with a large butcher knife. This all occurs whilst Deidre (a stunning 19 year old blonde with little acting ability) has a pregnancy scare and tries to figure out how to tell Rupert that he is the father when he is busy hiding behind a sofa with a butcher's knife. Deidre however has a secret admirer in Montimer who is actually Rupert's second half brother twice removed, but Rupert doesn't know. Montimer doesn't actually know yet that he is in fact gay and in love with Ben who Shishana is trying to seduce. Ben however is resilient to Shishana's advances because he's already sleeping with Shishana's mum Gavivi, who doesn't know that Ben picked up an STD whilst impregnating Deidre.
As a sideplot; poor bumbling Roger has brought his nephew a bicycle for Christmas but can't find the instruction manual; UH OH! Hilarity ensues as whilst the aforementioned cast fuck and stab each other to death this man seems to be completely oblivious to the whole scenario. Until it's revealed that Roger is actually Shishana's father but doesn't know as he has a rare mental defect where he starts a mass brawl in the local pub "The Dog's Phallus" everytime somebody tells him about it.
It all comes to a bloody climax as by some small miracle EVERYONE finds out what each other has done all in the course of a 30 minute episode and meet in the town square for a bloody brawl using the still living bodies of all the annoying child actors because I couldn't be fucked to cast them as anything other than baseball bats.
Barbara Windsor however saves the day by first berating the entire fighting cast and then giving a heartfelt speech about how Christmas is a time for loving one another. The entire cast then immediately stops fighting, forgives one another and immediately forgets everything they've shockingly discovered so I can change the names around and release it next week as the second episode.
Then the fit blonde one releases a christmas single that is only good for the music video where she dresses as a near naked Santa Claus and jumps around a lot whilst a million aching wrist's work overtime with their finger over the mute button.
The Script:
Start Intro Music:
Intro Music: DOOH-DUM-DUM-DIDDY-DIDDY-DIDDY *sort of vaguely indie sounding guitar riff* *screech of bagpipes and other various rural music instruments*
We see Shishana sat on a settee with Ben. Soft music plays in the background, the lights are dimmed. Shishana is wearing an elegant dress and has made a lot of effort with her appearance. Ben is wearing an empty potato sack which has "Will Suck Dick For Crack" written on it in what appears to be human excrement. The subtle difference in wardrobe should tip off our more intelligent viewers that Ben is not interested in Shishana and the ones who have read the plot spoilers in the gossip mags before watching the episode will say "Oh he's sleeping with her mum innhe? Evil barstard, pass us another hobnob, duck".
We quickly cut to a shot showing behind the sofa where Rupert is crouched with a large butchers knife in his teeth. Cut back to original shot of Sishana and Ben.
Sishana: LOAD OF FUCKING BOLLOCKS WITH A FEW TEEN REFERENCES.
Ben: BOLLOCKS, LOAD OF FUCKING BOLLOCKS, HINTS HE'S NOT INTERESTED, BOLLOCKS.
Sishana moves closer to Ben on the Sofa, he moves back. She plays with her hair and bites her lower lip. She looks seductively at Ben.
Sishana: BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, LOAD OF FUCKING BOLLOCKS WITH BOLLOCKS ON TOP, HINT THAT SHE REALLY, REALLY WANTS TO SHAG HIM.
Ben: CODSWALLOP, NONSENSE, BLATHER, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BEGINS TO BE PERSUADED TOWARD SHAGGING THIS GORGEOUS 19 YEAR OLD ACTRESS.
Sishana: BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, DONKEY BOLLOCKS, SUGGESTION THEY GO TO BED WHICH IS THROUGH THAT DOOR BEHIND THE SOFA.
Cut to shot of Rupert crouched with knife in his teeth, looking panicked that they are going to find him.
Ben: GIGANTIC WHALE BOLLOCKS WITH A SIDE ORDER OF DONKEY BOLLOCKS, AGREES TO GO TO BED.
Rupert takes the knife out of his mouth and holds it ready. Sishana kisses Ben and leads him by the hand past the sofa. As she does Rupert jumps up screaming like a banshee with a butchers knife.
Freezeframe *annoying vaguely indie guitar riff* Title Screen, Cut To Adverts.
Advert 1: Supermarket Advert
Advert 2: Toothpaste Advert.
Advert 3: Ringtone Advert.
Editors Note: Here the script abruptly stops and the page appears to be covered in what looks like brain matter and skull fragments. I haven't for a life of me got a clue what might have happened but there's this bullet casing on the page as well. Terribly strange...What with this Scriptwriter's body being on the floor in front of the script and all. Oh well, Channel 4 should broadcast it anyway...
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