Forming a "Relationship".
So the first date went well. She fell like a double leg amputee patient negotiating a large set of stairs for your boyish charm, viper like wit, exquisite sense of style and your penis that would put a sperm whale to shame in the showers. Of course she did, this is to be expected when one follows the Rodrieguez Guides but you now will find yourself asking; “What happens next?”
Well of course, as a man of intense passion and romance, as a boiling over saucepan of sheer male hormones, as a man with so much testosterone I once one punched a grizzly bear for looking at me funny, I know what comes next.
What you have to do now is form a relationship.
You don’t, I suppose, HAVE to form a relationship. Some men may prefer tagging their dates best friend next, start the slow arduous task of having one night stands with the rest of her family or even start going to singles nights to pick up lonely fat chicks with inferiority complexes. These are all perfectly understandable options that I inherently endorse especially the charity of banging fat girls, it being recently discovered in a scientific study that every time a fat girl gets laid Jesus smiles a little.
But these options are not necessarily the correct option.
The thing that most men overlook about relationships is that it’s essentially like having sex not on tap as the saying goes, it’s like have sex on fucking fire hose set to full. Now some men (whom are gay) will point out the emotions involved. The feeling of contentment and extreme happiness of being somebody who you love, the great times you can spend together, the feelings you can share. These are generally the men who don’t like having regular sex with females (because they are gay) because they don’t read guides like this. I mean Christ they probably even try to “make love”…
Regardless the following is going help you to steer your battle cruiser of love into her pearl harbour so frequently you’ll be known to all your friends as “The Admiral”. Building a relationship can take patience and requires nerves of steel so that you don’t lose it and start beating her over the head with a rolled up copy of her Cosmo when she tries to get you to watch Will & Grace. This guide can’t teach you these things. The gift of causing severe brain haemorrhages with a magazine that’s all about (from what I’ve gathered) clothes, how men suck and how to make men want you is a rare one.
But don’t be glum, chum! With my technique soon to be published in Cosmo’s “Sexiest Sexist Male Bastards” column, you probably won’t even need to strike her.
Unless it’s for fun of course.
Section 1: Making That First Step.
So the date went well. You’ve dropped her off at the door, she didn’t sleep with you because you only had £30 on you and didn’t want to haggle. You’re in position to strike like a cobra playing Wii Sport’s bowling.
As soon as her door shuts on that last sweet goodbye, head home. Camping in her front garden, whilst it shows dedication to her, is sadly illegal. It’s also not recommended to pick the door lock on her house later that night, slip into bed next to her sleeping body and explain it with “I missed you” when she awakes screaming. Trust me.
No you have to play it cool and casual. Women love a man who’s aloof. Go home and go about your life. Watch some TV, maybe a film, read a book, take a relaxing shower and think about how awesome you are. Anyway after 20 minutes have passed, call her house. If she doesn’t answer it slam the phone down, wait five seconds and redial. She’ll answer eventually. When she does answer, don’t waste words. Tell her that you love her and you miss her, that you want to be with her and any other decent lies you can come up with.
This will catch the female off guard because you’re sending her mixed signals and women can only notice one emotion at a time. Any more than one and they tend malfunction and have to drink wine with their friends and call you an arsehole. Now the girl will think you’re displaying a weakness by showing emotion. Let her have her petty games, play along as a being of superior intellect. She’ll tell you that you’re a really nice guy but she:
- Just doesn’t know you well enough yet.
- Thinks of you as more of a friend.
- Is married/arranged to be married/in a relationship/a mail order bride.
- Is gay (don’t be alarmed by this unless she didn’t wear make up to the date)
These are all complete fallacies. If she didn’t want to be bound to you for the foreseeable future then she would never have let you pay for the dinner at the first date. She’s simply trying to outwit you the best way a woman can: by lying.
But you are prepared.
Let her finish telling you one of the above reasons.
(NOTE: Which can take anywhere up to half a day as she explains her emotions and probably cites previous examples of where there was a guy like you and she took a chance and it didn’t work out and she got hurt and she doesn’t want to make herself vulner…etc. So I recommend recording a clip of you saying “Alright” and “I understand”, set it to repeat every minute and go start a hobby, ship building worked for me.)
Letting her finish is important because if she thinks your listening you’ll boost your status with her even more because then she’ll think you’re “sensitive” and she doesn’t mean after an orgasm. She means in the emotionally involved way, little do they realize men have long since evolved past the need for any emotions. When she’s finished make a few anguished sobbing sounds and hang up, then go make yourself a large manly sandwich, you’ve earnt it.
We are now playing on the second most reliable emotion a woman can display “Guilt over things she hasn’t actually done.” Get comfortable exploiting this, it’ll come in handy during the relationship.
Part 2: The Seduction Method That’s Like Shooting Retarded Fish In a Barrel That Worry If Their Outfit Goes as They Bleed to Death.
Give it a day exactly from the moment you hung up. She WILL call (if she doesn’t then just trust me on this, she had a cock).
When you finally decide to answer her call, she’ll explain that she feels bad and that she hopes that her “rejecting” you isn’t going to make things weird between you. React as though she told you something really ordinary, as though she just commented on the weather, a current news event or how badly she wants to tear off your boxers with her teeth like a rabid jackal.
I find saying “Oh”, “That’s nice” or “Jesus Christ would you shut the fuck up” works. Whatever you do, do not accept her apology. Don’t say you’ve forgiven her, this helps keep her right on the edge of the cliff where at the base of the fall is your penis.
Then say “So do you want to go out sometime?”
She’ll respond affirmatively.
Then say “Yeah I’ll call you when I’ve got some spare time ok? Bye.”
WAIT for her to begin saying goodbye then hang up halfway through her saying the word.
Now we’re in control. Notice that the females power, though feeble at it’s peak relative to your male prowess, is now stripped away. Thus you learn:
Rule #1 Of Starting a Relationship: Strike when they are at their weakest.
As you wield the power now feel free to do whatever the fuck you want to really, just don’t call her. If you’re on fire and she’s got the bucket of water, just act cool until you either die or pass out from the pain. If our almighty saviour Zeus was to come down from the heavens and says he’ll bitch slap you with lightning bolts if you don’t call her, refuse and spit on him. If Mike Tyson threatens you with some “cellblock loving” then goddamn it man you bite into that bar of soap and take it like a champ, cause this is all for a higher cause.
If she calls you, do not pick up. If she bumps into you on the high street, shield your vision from her and run frantically away screaming “LALALALA” so you can’t hear her yelling out for you to come back. If by some insane, incredible coincidence you end up in the same social situation as her that you can’t escape then be sure to answer her every sentence with “The Three Magic Words.”
“Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”
Example:
Her: Oh..hi…Ralph? Ralph!! Hi!!
After a quick glance for escape routes you discover that you’re at a bar and last orders is just finishing. You weigh up your options and decide to grit it out. But it’s ok, You’ve read this guide
Her: Wow! I haven’t seen you for about…2 weeks? Has it been 2 weeks?
You: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
At this point she attempts to hug you, a common trap that you should never fall for. You do the right thing and go completely limp, thus using her power against her and sending her to the floor
Her: Owww! So how’ve you been?
You: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Her: I’ve been pretty good in fact I got promot…
You: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Her: Well I have to go back to my mates now (LIE) but we should really get together again sometime soon OK?
You: Yeah. Sure Whatever.
She dives onto your face right there at the bar, guaranteed.
And with just those three magical words I’ve just got myself date number two and I’ve demonstrated why the above was worth the anal rape, the lightning bolt injuries and the first degree burns:
Rule #2 of Starting a Relationship: Women love a guy to be an obnoxious, self absorbed prick more than they love Sex and The City.
With this rule absorbed you know now the basically infallible rule of getting women into a relationship.
You see gentlemen, it’s all good being that nice guy who listens to what she say’s, who’s sensitive, who always tells her how pretty and unique she really is and how it’s totally not just about the sex for you at all. It’s all good being the guy who likes all the same things she does and buying her gifts “just because you saw it and thought of her”. It’s fine to go about your appearance with only pleasing that special girl in mind, smelling the way that she wants you to, wearing your hair the way she likes it, squeezing yourself into skinny jeans because she thinks they look good on guys. This is all well and good until you make that great revelation every man comes to make at some point in his life.
Women don’t have a fucking clue what they want.
That doesn’t matter at all though because thanks to this guide you just ascertained yourself a relationship and months of carefree rampant sex, god bless you. Who’s glum now chum?
Well give it a few months or so and it’ll be you and you’ll be needing to read the next part of my critically acclaimed “Sean Rodrieguez’ Guides” series:
Dating for Idiot’s Part 3: Surviving a Relationship WITHOUT ANY Violent Convictions.
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