Sean Rodrieguez' Rehab Diary: Day Five

I awake with a sense of desperation. My body is screaming out for alcohol. I shower and seeing as I get most of my major thinking done there, staring absently at the sheer beauty of myself. Whilst stood there in the steam and soap I made a decision, perhaps the best decision of my life. I dried myself off with a thick luxurious towel and decided that I was going to act now. It was time to take control of my destiny. I flung open the door to my walk in closet (recently valued at around £1.4 million, not including the clothes) and picked out a crisp, new Paul & Joe suit.I all but ran out to the courtyard, dived into my Ferrari Enzo and took off, heading for the bright lights of the city. 
I came to a screeching halt outside a cathedral looming over me casting a dark shadow over my stylish entrance as I rolled out of the car and sprinted up the long stone steps to the heavy wooden doors, throwing myself at them and flinging them open. The midday sun poured into the room, showing thousands of specks of dust floating through the air like gnats. I looked to the right. A confessional booth. Salvation. 
Throwing aside a queuing nun I dived into the booth.

“Bless me father for I have sinned.” I blurted out. “It has been 19 years since my last confession.”
“Go on my child.” Said the priest, his face obscured by a small stained glass window.
“Well I might as well start from now” I sighed.

Then I stood and punched him on the jaw through the window, sending glass shattering throughout the booth. Outside a woman screamed, I didn’t care. I stepped out of the booth and breathed in the balmy air, feeling like a new man. A new born soul. That’s about the time that the vicar slammed me on the temple with the hardback edition of The Bible, sending me sprawling into the pews. I stood up and wiped away the blood from my lip. I reached out for my Ray Bans on the floor, picked them up, cleaned them off and put them back on. Then I knocked them down my nose and looked hard at the vicar. He seemed unshaken by this, odd I thought, but at least it was a challenge. He moved into some kind of martial arts stance. 

“I’m not having this shit” I thought and went to kick him in the balls.

He caught my foot and went to throw me but I used to momentum to back flip and land perfectly on top of a nearby pew. I laughed at his attempts to harm me and began what could only be described as a breath taking display of acrobatics using the pews as landing and launching pads. The vicar was astounded, dazzled by this display, that is until I landed right next to him like a ninja and floored him with a powerful elbow blow so hard I could feel his nose break through the delicate fibres of my suit. He fell to the floor, writhing in agony. I looked down on my fallen foe and smiled. 

“Good shot with that Bible” I said in my coolest voice, which caused a cry of female orgasmic pleasure to come from the office block across the road, shattering every window on the street. I helped up the vicar, he rubbed his broken nose and smiled at me.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s cool” He said and gave me a high five.
“Say sorry to your friend.” I said pointing to the unconscious priest in the confessional booth. “It’s been a bit of a rough week for me.”
“Consider it done.” The vicar said.
“Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going for a drink.” I declared.

And, seducing four nuns on my way out with a click of my fingers. That’s exactly what I did.

Alcohol Intake: 27 Units.
Cigarettes Smoked: 20
Drug Intake: None.
Nuns Slept With: 4
Song of The Moment: My Sweet Lord by George Harrison.
Current Mood: Elated, Free.